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Still, I can't be still.


New year's resolution? Quit being lame around here and actually update semi-regularly...

 

The holidays are upon us. Still have a few more presents to purchase, and our annual party is currently both goose and treeless. We have to pack everything, too, since we have to be out by January 11th. Plus I'll be short two weeks of work cause the school let's out for Christmas break after finals finish tomorrow.
Top it all off with a spouse who thrives on conflict, and you have all the ingredients for one super sad monkey, indeed.

 

We have to make less money stretch farther than our usual funds do, and somehow pull a deposit and double rent out of it all on top of holiday gifts that are already setting us back. Merry Christmas, indeed. :-( *le sigh*
Between the stress, the fighting, and the neglect, it's no wonder my insomnia is worse than ever...

 

On another, less depressing note, I have been watching an anime called Nana. I am enjoying it, although I am ready to slap both Nanas, as they really need to ditch the boys and just date each other all ready!! It's so obvious... Frustrating, as that will never happen either. Grump.

 

All our xmas cards are actually signed and sealed, and all but five or so have already been mailed. And Christmas isn't even for another week yet!! So huzzah for finally having those done before the holiday instead of the following summer, for a change! I almost feel accomplished.

 

I also feel boring and worthless. :-( I don't have fun anymore. I rarely go to parties, and don't have anything interesting to talk about when I do. Hell, if it isn't work, I hardly go anywhere. I don't see that many movies. People rarely come over, so tea night is pretty much a bust. They can barely bring themselves to come to the annual party anymore. I feel like a poor host. No matter how hard I try, the effort is wasted. The more money and energy that is put in, the fewer show up. Guess I've gotten boring.

 

All I really want for Christmas? Cheer, goodwill, a little respect... to feel loved and valued... To not feel so alone. I'm surrounded by friends I never see, family that care more about money than people and feelings, and I have rarely felt as completely empty and alone as I feel lately.

 

And sure, feelings are transient, and I will probably not feel so down later. Or at least not act like it. I've gotten good at wearing that mask over the years. But every mask slips sometimes, and the roiling sea peeks through briefly.

 

I guess this is your glimpse at my ocean. Danger, turbulent waters.

Comments

( 2 minions have spoken — Speak to me my minions!!! )
tsgeisel
Dec. 21st, 2012 07:21 am (UTC)
Not sure how much it helps, but *hugs*. You're not alone in the difficult times thing.

It's been so long, I forget if you're a dancer-type - I can put you in touch with the person who schedules door shifts for Peers events; 45 minutes collecting money, checking tickets and being friendly gets you admission to the event, so long as you can make it to San Mateo. Next one is early January - the Dickens reunion ball.

Hang in there, and glad to see you here again.
stormmonkey
Dec. 22nd, 2012 03:35 am (UTC)
:) hugs always help :) thanks.
I am a dancer type, just have been out of it for a while now. would love to get back in, but won't have time in January, what with moving and all. but definitely keep us in mind for events later in the year. we'd love to make the time to get back into it.
( 2 minions have spoken — Speak to me my minions!!! )

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